You can't change anything

 

"You can't change anything by fighting or resisting it.
You change something by making it obsolete through superior methods.

~ Buckminster Fuller

 Making the bad thing go away is a double negative: bad thing and go away are both negative. And to change my life I want positive energy. 
   
   What the genius Buckminster Fuller is saying is an important part of why coaching works. My coach does not have me fight off bad habits. My coach has me execute superior methods of living that make the bad things a mere memory.

     Often I do this with my own coaching clients. I listen as they talk to me about their problems and I listen carefully for language that is permanent and pervasive. If I find permanent and pervasive phrases in my client's self-description I stop the conversation and explore.

     My client, Odessa, (and that is not her real name) would always talk about herself in permanent, pervasive ways. Such as, "I always…." "I never…." Or "I have a tendency to…." Notice that these phrases describe permanent, ongoing patterns. They hint at perpetual motion machinery in the woman that drives her behavior. She obviously believes in personal patterns that explain her actions. She even tells me often, "I have a pattern of always………."

      I want to break her of this mental mistake. So I tell her a story. I ask her to follow the story and see if it makes any sense to her.

     One night it snowed heavily as my wife and I were watching late night TV. My wife asked me if I would shovel the walk in the morning, and I said I would do that.

    The next day when she came home from work at lunch time to have a sandwich with me, she noticed that the walk was not shoveled. She almost slipped and fell on the packed snow and ice on the walk leading up to our door.

     "I thought you said you would shovel the walk," she said when she got inside.

     "I have a tendency not to shovel walks," I said.

     "But you said you'd do it, and if I had known you weren't serious I would have shoveled it myself this morning," she said.

     "My pattern has been not to shovel," I said. "Looking back on my life, I tend not to shovel walks. It's a bad habit, I know, but it kind of runs my life and leaves me in situations like this a lot."

     "I don't care about patterns or habits or tendencies," she says. "I just wanted the walk shoveled. You said you would do it."

      Was my wife being unreasonable to dismiss and discount my patterns and tendencies?

      Odessa said that I, myself was being ridiculous to even float them as excuses for not doing the walk.

      But that's what you are doing, Odessa, I told her. You are not doing things and then going back into your past to find the patterns and tendencies that explain it. You refuse to see that the past is over. It counts for nothing. Your word counts for everything. Your word you give yourself  on whether you are going to do something. The past is over. Your word is all powerful. It is not over.

*     *     *     *     *

To avoid the clichés 
Of the obituary writers, 
Die in obscurity. 
A fine bed in a light-filled room 
Someone who adores you is at your side 
And vowed to silence. 

~ Kenneth Koch, "Aesthetics of Obituary"

     Or … as Bonnie Raitt says:

Life
is
more
precious
when
there's
less
of
it
to
live

*     *     *     *     *     *     *

 
 

      "If you're a coach, read this book. If you're a mystery buff, read this book. If you're a romance fan, read this book. If you want a great story filled with wisdom, humor, and intrigue, read this book. Steve Chandler does it again: delights and dazzles us with his generous insight and creativity! Great stuff and highly recommended."

             ~  Robert Tallon, Co-author of Awareness to Action

Comments

[replica designer handbags]

humor, and intrigue, read this book. Steve Chandler does it again: delights and dazzles us with his generous insight and creativity! Great stuff and highly recommended."

[Guliana]

Wow, Where is there a posted speed limit sign of 50 mph with setret crossings?That may be the real issue. But, Allan (no disrespect intended), I have written your congressmen 10-20-30 x each, and not one has shown a flicker of interest in the environment. Byrd did before passing, and he was your only hope. Manchin, Rahall, Rockefeller and crew couldn't give a rat's a**. If they' cared, they' would end MTR and not allow fracking to happen without meaningful laws on the books.So, life is not much different in the city. I drive route 26 into Baltimore, and route 97 into DC and people walk in front of cars frequently, even if there is a crosswalk a block away. It seems to be a phenomenon that is crossing this country 'just walk, and they will stop' attitude. I meet folks that stand in the median and act with jerky movements pretending as if they are going to step out in front of you, simply to see if you are going to allow them a break to cross.This is not relegated to cross roads in college towns. Have you noticed recently what it is like to back out of a grocery store parking lot? Everyone seems to fall under the adage :YOU Have to watch for me . When I was young,w e were taught to look for cars, and not walk behind them, let them go and so on. Not today, each person I speak with knows that the law is on the side of the pedestrian and that you , the driver must watch for them. In the meantime we have mothers walking their little ones, right by parked car tail lights shining in reverse mode, with a smirk on their face saying I dare you . I think our trouble is that these unwritten rules we grew up with have now changed, literally and figuratively.Certainly if you have an area with a posted 50 mph speed limit sign and cross walks, that does need to be addressed. It seems 35 mph with blinking lights as a warning, would be a speed fast enough for these areas.Good luck with your congressmen.c

[Toni]

at the end of the video, in my opinion if the deroctir did that I feel like it would've made the movie less impressive then it is right now. Both of the brothers were stubborn, and i'm sure neither of them would have taken the money from the other even if they offered it to each other. They both fight for what is theirs and earn their own. I feel by leaving the movie open like that it made the movie even better.

[Rabah]

I love that name. We hold the hand out to put a stop to and interrupt the obtinjecg thought they were about to express, or could be about to express, and we are also asserting dominance. But what I also love about this is entire bit of patter is how it illustrates the best of Speed Seduction(R) languaging, in that, with just a few words, we are achieving multiple objectives.Let's look a bit closer:1. We pace the ongoing situation between ourselves and the woman in that moment: it's true that she and we HAVEN'T had much time to talk. And we don't really know each other.So we are using one of the 4 attractive vibes: demonstrating authority in her world. 2. When we say, if you're not with someone who is with you in the way you TRULY want them to be we are:A. Demonstrating we understand the world of women and how they are constantly comparing their current guy to their ideal and also the social pressure women face to find the one . B. TRULY requires she search deep into her mind where she keeps her most precious hopes and fantasies. So it's sending her on a deep unconscious search that will likely go on for quite some time after the conversation.C. We are IMPLYING, without stating it, that perhaps WE are the one with whom she will discover her desire to truly want to be . We didn't say it. We imply, it.D. The entire unique way of saying all this sets us apart.Not bad for a few sentences..

[Air Jordan]

I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just, that His justice cannot sleep forever. Do you agree?

[Buy taobao]

yes..another great post...really interesting read.

[Krystal Levi]

You know, this really made me stop and think about the number of times I have said I will do something, but somewhere deep inside probably knew I wouldn't...Now, I must shift this and be a person who follows through and keeps my word...it really is all I have...

Thanks for always giving me food for thought...and shifting....

Krystal

[Steve Chandler]

Ashok,

I agree with you....we overrate and inflate all these past patterns while all the while the present moment disappears...thanks for reading....

Steve

[ashok]

steve ,you are right our words can do wonders if commit to it, not the patterns of the past,thank u
ashok